Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Today I Cried....

And then I worked out... Let me elaborate.

I've been dejunking my house the last few days. Today I was dejunking the master bedroom. All was going great until I reached my closet. I started to dejunk and organize the MANY clothes I have in there. As I stared at the clothes hanging up, the clothes on the shelves, and the clothes in a basket on the closet floor... it all just hit me and I cried. I have so many clothes and yet right now my wardrobe consists of 2 pairs of jeans and about 5 black shirts. That's it... that's all I'm comfortable wearing. I have so many CUTE clothes that I am dying to wear again. I don't want to get ready every day and look like a frump... a chunky frump... but I do and it's driving me nuts. And I'm just not willing to go out and buy a whole new colorful wardrobe in my current size.

So the tears... let me explain. Not only did I cry because I want to wear all those cute clothes again but I also cried because I'm so mad at myself. Why in the world do I feel it necessary to constantly eat. Snacking is all I want to do. I feel like I need to put a lock and chain on the cupboards and the refrigerator and give it to Doug to hide somewhere. I've had these horrible eating habits since I was little. I've also been extremely lazy since I was little as well. Why can I not control myself??? Even right now as I type I want so badly to go over to the kitchen and eat! I just ate a snack not too long ago... so sad. I'm just so mad at myself.

So as I was crying I decided to stop... right then and there as the kids were running around screaming and Carter was crying I decided to go down in the basement, put in the old Taebo video and work out. Wow was that embarassing... Just in the first 5 minutes of the STRETCHING (not the work out but the stretching) I was ready to give up. But I didn't... I pushed myself right along into the work out. Ouch, ouch, ouch... my throat hurts because I was counting so loud. I figured my voice would drown out the pain. This is pathetic huh? Anyhow, I stopped at one point and was looking down at the ground and Isaac shouted "keep going Mom!" I told him from now on he needs to remind me to work out. Not sure if he will remember that, but if he does then great! One more reminder. I always try to put off working out until Doug is home... but lately that is not until 7 or later. By the time we get the kids bathed and in bed, I'm beat and ready for bed. So now I guess I just need to force myself to work out during the day even when my household seems chaotic.

So even now, as I end this post... I still want to cry. It's okay to cry right? The skinny pictures of me help but at the same time they make it worse. Like constant reminders of how cute I once was... and then I cross a mirror in my house and am brought back to reality. It sucks, it really really sucks. I'm trying to hard to stay positive. I'm embarassed to even post any of this, but it also feels good to get it out there, let it all out. That old LDS saying is perfect for me right now... of course the real saying is talking about life and is supposed to be coming from the Savior, but I think it can work for me right now as well.



Court said...

Come on Tenille! I know that you can do it. If the "skinny pictures" are bringing you down, then take them down. You deserve to take care of yourself and to like yourself (a realization I recently just came to)...Hang in there! Every step forward is exactly that, a step forward.

Something that has helped me is identifying why I have an eating problem? Is is stress, is it emotional, is it bordem (sp?), what is it??? Once I identified that I realized what an unhealthy relationship with food I had, and it changed my persepective and now I'm ready to start WW on Friday. Just a thought. Keep at it!

Rachael said...

Hey, I successfully am leaving a comment!!! Alright's a motto:
I eat to live, I don't live to eat!
Seriously, I think you are focusing way too much on what you can't have. You need to occupy your brain with something else. Keep dejunking, scrapbooking, reading...You can do it. You gave up Sunkist and Raisinettes for Sommer while you were pregnant! Give up this "food addiction" or "constant snacking" for YOU!!! You can do it!

S.E.W. Priddy said...

Don't give up! If it makes you feel any better I have only lost 4 pounds since starting my new years diet. I did the Body For Life diet a few years ago and they say that it's best to do your cardio workouts first thing in the am so that you are burning fat already on your body and not the food you put in your stomach that day. Plus you should wait an hour after you're done workingout to eat, because your body will still burn stored fat for up to an hour after you stop sweating. Keep up the good work - nothing worth doing is ever easy.